After landing Announcement:

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.

We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

This really happened on a commercial flight!

An announcement from a flight attendant:

"Hello Everyone, we have a first time flyer on board today -
 and it is also his 70th birthday!"

 After everybody cheers, the flight attendant continues,
 "Will everyone please wish the Captain a Happy Birthday!?"

The captain of a Vueling Airlines flight

Greeted passengers to Madrid this way:

"We have a safety problem with the door at the front.
 Don't worry, it's just a safety problem."

People in the airline industry aren't all serious...

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
 "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

Operating Systems and Airlines

Different operating systems. Different styles. But what if the quirks and styles of the different operating systems were applied to AIRLINES?

What if airlines ran things the way operating systems do? This humorous analogy, applying operating system philosophies as if they were airlines, is a long-standing much-circulated amusing story, and we'd credit the author if we knew who wrote it!

If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines...

Mac Airlines

 All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

 The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

 Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

 Windows XP Air

 You turn up at the airport, which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.

Windows Vista Airlines:

 You enter a good looking terminal with the largest planes you have ever seen. Every 10 feet a security officer appears and asks you if you are "sure" you want to continue walking to your plane and if you would like to cancel. Not sure what cancel would do, you continue walking and ask the agent at the desk why the planes are so big. After the security officer making sure you want to ask the question and you want to hear the answer, the agent replies that they are bigger because it makes customers feel better, but the planes are designed to fly twice as slow. Adding the size helped achieve the slow fly goal.

 Once on the plane, every passenger has to be asked individually by the flight attendants if they are sure they want to take this flight. Then it is company policy that the captain asks the passengers collectively the same thing. After answering yes to so many questions, you are punched in the face by some stranger who when he asked "Are you sure you want me to punch you in the face? Cancel or Allow?" you instinctively say "Allow".

 After takeoff, the pilots realize that the landing gear driver wasn't updated to work with the new plane. Therefore it is always stuck in the down position. This forces the plane to fly even slower, but the pilots are used to it and continue to fly the planes, hoping that soon the landing gear manufacturer will give out a landing gear driver update.

 You arrive at your destination wishing you had used your reward miles with XP airlines rather than trying out this new carrier. A close friend, after hearing your story, mentions that Linux Air is a much better alternative and helps.

The pilot & mechanic :)

P = The problem logged by the pilot 
                                                                                                                                                                           S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it's sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore

P: Electrical governor is broke
S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano

P: Air conditioning motor makes a loud squeal like my mother-in-law.
S: recommend divorce

Want to be a pilot???

WHY I WANT TO BE A PILOT

When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it's a fun job and easy to do. That's why there are so many pilots flying around these days.

Pilots don't need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments.

I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.

Pilots should be brave to they won't get scared it it's foggy and they can't see, or if a wing or motor falls off.

Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.

The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don't because they know how easy it is.

I hope I don't get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.

— purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News.

Team Effort

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

More Entertaining Annoucements!!!!

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Entertaining Annoucements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

Fancy Cocktail.... anyone?

We were just talking about drinks in the galley & someone mentioned when she was in London a few days ago, there was a  teenager who supposely had her stomache removed because she had drank a liquid nitrogen cocktail! WHAT?????? we all go.... serious????

Goodness.... I had that before, not in Spore,  but in a joint in the States. I enjoy it, not because it taste so good, but it looks beautiful. It's  different from your normal cocktail- boring!!!! You go to a club, you sit at the bar , you see a good looking bar tender  shake & blend the drink, with swirls of white vapour evaporating from it... the whole preparation is like a display ,a total feast on the eyes! cant believe it's dangerous. Hmm... for that matter, none of us had seen it in Spore before. Probably banned or something hahha.....  Liquid Nitrogen is usually used in food packaging.

Our chief joined in & told us it's relatively  safe BUT the person who serves it must wait till it's completely evaporated before serving, so that noone will consume it directly...as if you do, it'll literally freeze the stomach! That's probably what happened to the English girl... poor thing! Can you imagine us serving it on board?... hahhaha....

Dream- possessed!!!

Strange dream: in my dream I woke up... yes a dream within a dream!!!! like in inception...lol..

Ok I went to the kitchen & found that the stove is gone & my spotless kitchen is not so spotless anymore. Then my BFF told me, last night I went crazy & cause all this-aka kena possesed!!! Should be scared right? Apparently I wasnt scared at all! woke up!

So what I did yesterday that might cause this dream? Ok my bf bought me 2 semi precious gems, I bump into a crazy man during lunch, I watch The Spiderwick Chronciles on TV!

Rules of the Airways....lol.....

RULES OF THE AIRWAYS

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Gravity SUCKS!!

Getting ready for Universal studio LA

Flying to LA soon, & planning to visit Universal studios there. But I've got a problem! Flying no problem for me, but strangely, theme park rides makes me sick!

The company dr had very patiently tell me,  our sense of balance is a combination of eyes, inner ear 7 body, so the trick is to fool the brain into thinking we're still on the ground! When we are on these rides, the brain sends signals- headache, sweating, nausea...meaning it doesnt like it. So decieve one of these motion detectors.

WHAT?????? How the hell do I do that? Easiest take a pill haha.... OR stretch one arm in front of you & grasp teh handrail with thumb extended. Then simply stare at your thumbnail during the ride. The body & inner ear will tell your brain that something's off, byt the eyes wont. This will help... Hmmm..... I've not tried it yet, but I guess I'll just go for the pill just in case I throw all over my own thumb or something!!!!...lol...

Green objects can improve eyesight?

My eye sight getting worse! Thought of going for Lasik, many of my friends & colleagues had gone. Was wondering can looking at green objectys improve the eye sight? My doctor said if it's my money plant in my toilet, then it's no....lol....! Well it's not the shade or colour tat mkaes the difference- it's how far they are. THe colour Green is not magic...haha....

When viewing far things the eye is more relaxed. Looking at nearer things makes our eye muscles tense. And since we often equate far things to trees & fields, therefore the misconception of the mircalous power of green objects to our eye sight!

My mum had her eyes done more than 10 yrs ago, it used to cost like $5000- for 2 eyes!!!! So now it's very very affordable.... But one thing she complians of dry eyes now, still it's a small price to apy for good eye sight right? Hmmm.... still thinking!!!!!