From the pilot during his welcome message:

"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

Ditching!!!!!

An announcement:

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation.
In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Airline Policy

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane  into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

From a Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
 
To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
 It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
 In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more

After the plane landed.....

Announcement:

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."